DAY... who gives a shit

I forgive my self, that I have allowed and accepted my self to...
-have remained in the past to dwell and drown in the past memories of me being young and my brother taking sexual advantage of me when we were kids and we did not know what could this act lead to.
-have felt enormous HATRED towards him until now, and for that reason to have CURSED him so even today he is unable to reach his dreams and remain unemployed and HATING himself.
-have therefore have created a dark and evil entity because I felt responsible for both mine and my brother's errors and mistakes and
-to have accepted to let this entity feed of my living energy when I see it in my sleep or OBE's or any form of subconscious mind experience.
-to have let this entity to take the best of me and therefore feeding it with my fear and sexual sickness that I have developed shown in that need to be dominated during sleep by different succubus entities.
-to have let it torture me and attach it self to my spiritual light body and fill it with dead thoughts of pain and suffering.
-to have let this fear take over me to that extend that I would actually feel great pain within my right lower part of the back both here and in my spiritual body.
-to have fear before I go to sleep, fear of calling this entity out in my dreams and feeling its presents yet again and again, to have a negative impact on my thoughts and experiences during my sleep.
-to have connected my early childhood errors caused by curious interests that all children share and need to fulfill with new experiences.
-to have been silent within my self and out of my self and not have shared this information with any one at all, making it even more problematic as my thought of it became more and more powerful.
-to therefore have created a number of dark thoughts and feelings inside my heart mind and in this way I have manifested a new creature to reside within me and not let me be free and pure as I should be.
-to have feared this non real thing that used to scare me extensively and to have had me wake up all shocked   and shivering in sweat.
-to have lived in this way of  constant inner fear for so long and in that way to not have lived life as i should have had.

I DO NOT ACCEPT TO LET ALL OF THIS BE A PART OF MY EXISTENCE ANY LONGER

I AM THE LIGHT DESIGN
I AM PURE
I AM REAL
I AM GOD
I AM LIFE
I AM CREATION
I AM DEATH
I AM PERFECTION
I AM ME
I AM YOU
YOU ARE ME
I AM ALL
I AM ONE
WE ARE ALL ONE

I dedicate my self to live in such a way that I don't let any of the past mistakes dictate the way I act and live.
I dedicate my self to live life as I feel I should and not live life in fear and doubts and hatred and shadows and pain and anger and non satisfaction.

I commit myself to be the best I can and live my life in a way that is best for all living organisms.

I am new to this so please correct me if there is a need for my text to be corrected.

HATE AND PAIN

OK, so I really did not want to write this down But it left me no choice. At least now I know that I can ask someone for assistance in getting this thing over with. 
What I am writing about is the thing that has attached itself to my right soul body shoulder and has some things like tentacles or fingers inserted in my back. Because of that I believe that I can no longer open my eyes when I meditate or have a OBE or dream as this thing is stopping me somehow from reaching levels of peace. Today just 5 minutes ago I was taking a day time nap and I went in to a OBE level, but instantly I felt it being attached and draining or filling me with bad stuff. And it HURTS so much I can feel my inner body parts being displaced inch by inch. Next time I sense it I will try to unleash myself of it and KILL IT brutally ... really BRUTALLY as I have begged it numerous times to let go of me and It refused. Now even Jesus's name doesn not scare it. SO I NEED TO KILL IT. Tell me how please..

figure MY art

So there comes a time when every person who likes to do drawing as me, has to stand infront of him self and see where he is going with it and what he needs to make it in to(living or hobby). That time has arrived for me now, today, here as I am within myself at this present moment. 

How it all started----

Well I dont remember much I just got born here at 1988 and then I was like 1 year old or 2 my mum says i was 1 year and 7 months when I drew my first drawing. I used pens and it was like a goal keeper with snickers on that had spikes on them and he had gloves and a helmet on. I was 1,7 years old WTF how would I know what those things look like and if they existed or not at all. So that is a mystery.
So moving on from that age to about 16 years old drew a lot every day and I became (good enough) this Andon that everyone knew and associated with drawing strange monsters, robots, demons and such. Now these demon drawings were all based on nightmares I used to have, but within my dream once I said STOP, I AM CONTROLING IT SO STOP IT NOW. And it did stop, so from that point on I could control my dreams IF i fell asleep on my Left shoulder. (The right for some reason makes me fall in to nightmares that I can not yet control..some info on that would be welcome yo..)
Then form 16 to 20 I said to my self that I want to become a famous artist, now I dont know if that is what I need to be. I mean yes I have been placed in this world here now with the knowledge of creating Art and drawing, and everyone says its a gift and I need to fulfill it and embrace it. So what do I do now. I draw when I am bored, I am not earning a living of it as I cant get employed anywhere (Bulgaria six when you look for a job). It seems IMPOSSIBLE to find a job here as an artist who draws more spiritual related and other world genres. So I went to study Animation in London and now it is summer vacation so I am here on these forums trying to understand my life. 
Art for me is a need to create, a need that has to be fulfilled and shown and be accepted by others. 
I feel like I have this thing in me that WANTS to be acknowledged by all and wants to suit all at once, but that thing is what I want to kill off and delete. If I can label it with a word or a name I can at least start to direct my will towards removing or changing it and BECOME ME.I used to have a time when my mum wont even like what I drew and she said it comes from Satan not GOD, I forgive my self that I had believed that statement for a while and that led me in to becoming closed and evil thinking person who was unable to express his love in any way. I rejected everything and felt sick and wicked. So now I can say "been there done that". And that is what stops me frm entering that state again, so thats good. :) Trough past mistakes I have developed defense mechanisms like that one in many aspects, so I dont fall in to the black hole again.
And Now WHAT do I not want but NEED for my self regarding ART. How does drawing build my character and benefit my well being. Why do I need it at all. First think pops in my mind is that I have lived with art so far and I feel it was much more that just my current 24 years on Earth. I feel that I am a part of a memory that has ART in its core and that is as old as existence it self. So cool I need art for that reason. So now How do I express it and not feel like I need to get accepted and when I dont get accepted, I should not feel guilty, unsatisfied, hateful, wicked at my self and my creation. But just the opposite, I should praise my gift and love it and cherish it and live by it.
I will just continue to draw and create, and not expect money to fall from the sky or get praised by all. I do have my fans and my good people that support me in all my creations. That makes me really happy and I feel like I have been hugged bu this bird like thing with warm feathers and its pulsating love in to my soul. Its warn soft and tender as a mothers first touching the babies they delivered to this planet. 

I love you all and I love my self a lot too. Let creation continue in its own, Dont stop or judge no one. Be able to forgive yourselves and others with a smile and tear in the eye. 

homeless guy asking for water

So I had some work to do in the center of town. I took a bus went over to the place to pick some luggage up, but it was closed. So I got a burger went to the town park and eat my food. Then I took a bus back home and got off the bus on my stop. Started walking home when I realised that my phone was missing. So I searched for 5 minutes around the stop but could not find it. A bit angry at my self i started walking towards my block again, when I heard a homeless guy saying:
-" Hey dude have you got some water on ya:)" 
He was smiling and sounding really happy. I saw he was standing in the shadows of a near by block to ceep cool from the heat (it was 37 degrees in Bulgaria that day). 
And I said to the man:
-"No sorry man I live far away from here( i Dont really)..

He said "No problem man have a nice day:

Then It struck me, that I was an asshole and not cared for a man in a real need of the One thing that we all NEED in order to continue living here.

So I went home its like 300 meters away from where the man was and I got a big bottle of fresh water form the sink and went back running towards the guy. He was still there and I just gave him the bottle and said here you are you need it more than me and I hope it is enough to defeat your thirst for now.
The bottle and said:
- " Oh, my GOD bless you young man I was really needing that water now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. "
Then I said good bye to the homeless weird fellow (his teeth were really clean and white, and his voice just had that happiness inside) AND YET he is a homeless person...

So My mum called my number it turned out I dropped my phone in the bus back and I went to the buss stop to get it back again. 

I wonder if all that journey to get the package and lose my phone was created for me to see that homeless guy.
If so, then that guy has some strong will and attraction power :)

Never the less that thing happening made me think that people are cruel and not human anymore. To think that a homeless guy asks for water in a shop and they say NO. We deserve our extinction and I agree.

I dont know what to forgive my self first. That experience really makes me both sad and happy inside.

sexual demon beings ATTACK

OK WTF, am I really that sexually non-satisfied by normal human girls? That I am calling forth sucubus's to come to me and you know.... I feel really sick like I secretly want it to be like that or that I am making a HUGE mistake somewhere, whatever it is it is making me feel weird and I cant get on with my life lie I normally do. For example today I just took a nap at 15:00 and i had a dream even and then it merged in to this movement around me as I was just about to wake up  but I started to feel something attached to my back and touching me gently. And I was 100% awake but I could not go up or move, I felt like I was enjoying (her.IT) being there with me and it even replied to me asking( do you like me) she said YEAAASSss. Then I could only hear those hard breaths all around me like the bed was sucking me in to the grounds and I felt the sucucbus getting in to it and I tried to get out from my body so I can see what it looked  like at least. Then I asked are you a sucubus and it disappeared and I opened my eyes here.  SO WHAT NOW. Looking at videos or information I found DOES not help. I have to it and stop it. So should I do self forgiveness now. And what should I write????

day 2- I see that self forgiveness is the way now

OK so last night after I have watched more videos on the system demons, I said to myself that it is time to locate mine and really be specific on what I address so it hears me directly and feels my self forgiveness. That is what I did with not even a drop of suspicion in my self, that is probably the reason why it worked as it did. After 02am I went to bed and started thinking of what I have watched during the day(regarding self forgiveness videos and information on blogs). So i laid down on my back and stared at the cealing for a moment before I started to feel sleepy and went deeper and deeper in to my breathe. To the point where I actually said ITS TIME"" so HEY FEAR DEMON listen to what I have to say to my self and to you in that sense:
- I forgive my self that I have allowed my self fear to manifest in my mind and body that I have here, when I was afraid because of stories I have heard over the years, movies I have seen over the years, sounds I have heard over the years. That is my understanding now that I am the one to have been afraid of my minds creations, and of its projections during night times when I have experienced arousal caused by pictures, sounds, and memories I have not forgiven my self to believe and live in. 
I forgive my self Fear of loss also as when I had a girlfriend and I was constantly telling my self that I will loose her (and i did ) she dumped me for her ex and then she dumped him, so I see that i have caused this to happen trough my own allowance of fear of lost to manifest within my mind and body.


I forgive my self that i have allowed and accepted my self to after that loss experience a weakness moment of hate and regret that i have chosen the wrong  person and have deceived myself doing so. 


Now I see how one forgiveness leads to another and that way know that I can deconstruct my ego and find my errors to repair them as I find them. I see now that it is not about sins as sins dont really exist, be cause what we think about- we create - we live by- we manifest- then we see our error and try to go back about it and self forgiveness is the way to do it and self commitment also.


I commit my self to apply the tools of self forgiveness and self commitment as I go trough out my human life on this planet as the being Andon Hristov. 
I commit my self to apply self forgiveness when ever I see that there is need to apply self forgiveness, the need being caused by the understanding that I am following a system i have created and lived by so far, or when I see something is wrong and start to think why it seems that way and feels rotten. 


When I did the self forgiveness last night I was here and somewhat felt like I am dreaming. Once I forgave my self different acceptance of allowance of a system to have been manifesting within me, I felt like something came out of me( me head my chest my brain my arms and legs ). I felt relieved and I was living in the moment of clearance for a while, sort of being both in this 3D place that is my room and bed, and the other non-3D dimension. I felt I have really purified a single point of error. That was the proof I was looking for, so I could confirm that this entire thing is real and is working for the better.


I will continue to apply self forgiveness every night if I can and that way I will become what I have been when I have been put in this Earth in a first place.


Thank you for reading my little confession and discovery.

morning thoughts

the reason for me to have not yet started to really write my self as i should is that i do not fully
understand the concepts and meanings of the ideas portrayed here
i feel i must first get my self well familiar with all the words and meanings and then once i have that

understanding i can finally start to take on my own process and style of writing oneself out

My anxiousness is one more reason why i feel like screaming at the people " C'MON " change it already"
but i also realise that i am the one that has alowed them to use the planets resorces as they do, trough my out alowence of that idea i have changed the planet for the worst and i do understand and feel that deep within myself, i feel like i am responsible for the bad people on the planet and for every kill there is (animal or human)
I know I must have set a system to work in my mind trough those thoughts and information i have recieved via the internet or the news on TV but, I also have  a good feeling inside, God knows why and I am not even sure if he exists or me for that matter. How can we really exist the way we do. This has to be somekind of a Matrix realitty like a dream or a drug we got from alien lifeforms or whatever. It just feel real but when I was on the other side I felt MUCH MORE, AND THE REAL-ness WAS WOW. So now when I am living my life here on Earth it seems not good enough or not even real. I do experience pain and feelings But not as real as i had them when i crossedover
some time ago. So this is not real or is it just some one persons bad realitty projection oif ideas and test pf his own abilitty if he can make a better world than what we call GOD. Interesting dont you think. So until i learn to use forgiveness teh right way i wont write i that i forgive myself that i have ...... OK?
And at this point I just want to get ideas and systems out of my existence so I dont care about grammar, Sorry:)